Monday, June 4, 2012

Letting Go

Have you ever been faced so bluntly with your imperfections, with what you're lacking, that you realize you need to make some tough decisions?

I've had to own up to the fact recently that I am not superwoman. As much as I want to be the consummate Martha Stewart housewife, Ivanka Trump business-woman, and Natalia Makarova dancer on the side, I'm learning that that person is nearly impossible to become. 

This weekend, I found myself in the hospital with a relatively minor infection, but along with that found out I have ridiculously high blood pressure and was essentially told that I've been running myself too thin, leaving my immune system vulnerable to nasty germ attackers.

A heavy dose of antibiotics and rest and I should be on my feet in no time. But the fact still remains, I've got to make some choices. I just can't do it all and retain my sanity...or my health apparently.

I've committed to taking a break from the dance company, not dance in general, but from the obligations that come with rehearsals and shows and being a part of a professional ensemble. It's a tough decision, but something I know I need right now for me, and I know I can always go back.

What I'm really struggling with is my absolute inability to let things go. I'm a type-A, somewhat OCD perfectionist, and along with that come the constant stresses and worries that everything in my life live up to some unrealistic expectation of standards that only I care about. When I really dig deep, I know that nobody judges me as harshly as I do myself, but at the same time I constantly worry about everything.

So now, I'm trying to figure out how to relax. How to let go. How to walk in the confidence that I am capable of accomplishing what I need to accomplish, and that I have a support system who will help me when I fall.

Much easier said than done I think. I haven't quite figured out where to start. But I know I need to let go. And I will. One step at a time.

1 comment:

  1. Omg this is sooo us! But I would like to say that you have exceeded my high expectations of what a best friend should be, and I'm so happy to have you in my life....even if I can't pronounce or spell your new last name. :)